when i was in 8th grade, my family started to fall apart, yet again. i couldn’t handle the changes that we were going through & started sleeping more, getting less interesting in things, worried in what might happen & i just didn’t wanna be awake. i had a hard time my 8th grade year. i lost majority of my friends due to the fact that they hated the way i was “acting”. at that point i was a wreck. i was trying so hard not to break down & cry every day at school. sure i had friends & now they aren’t my friends b/c they liked to take advantage of how much i cared about them. i never really had someone to talk to during this time. once the summer came i felt even worse b/c i had no human contact whatsoever. i was trapped in my house. i felt lost, confused, depressed & numb. i couldn’t understand what was going on. i tried finding a way to feel human again. at first i just tried taking whatever pills i found in the cabinet. then when those didn’t help, i resorted to self-harming. after then it’s been a constant battle. it was the only way i felt like i could control the pain.
when my freshman year started, it was unbearable. i was so lost emotionally & socially. i had no friends & i didn’t fit in. i was an odd child. i met great people but all of them eventually just left like everyone else. i continued cutting until my parents found out. they tried to talk to me but all they did was make things worse. they didn’t understand how i felt or what i was trying to do. i wasn’t trying to kill myself, as everyone generally say about people that self-harm. i just wanted to know that i can still feel & that i could control what was happening. well, i stopped for a little the started up again. i was having trouble with my so called friends at the time & i couldn’t take it anymore. it has been an off & on cycle.
my sophomore year wasn’t as bad, i made better friends & met my best friend, Ashley, who understands what i went through & how frustrating everything is. at this point i was being observed by my parents. they were always looking for perfection in me. i’m human & i’m not perfect but they expected it from me & i hated feeling like such a failure. i worked so hard to get where i was. i felt like i was stable, but in reality i wasn’t. i was a mess, but i was trying. no matter how much i tried i couldn’t get anyone to feel proud of me or encourage me. everyone expected so much from me. i think my sophomore year was the point where i tried to make things better. i was cutting less, & trying to deal with my problems through art & writing. it was so helpful. when i drew something or painted something or sculpted something i felt so carefree. at this point i got a lot more into music than before. it started to be something that interested me a lot. those things were the things that helped me get out of the mess i was in.
now, i’m a junior at a totally different school where nobody knows about my problems. i’m just another hispanic girl. another short girl who nobody notices. i’m okay with that, because no matter what i know what i’ve gone through to get where i am. i’m not gonna blow it for myself. sure i get back & am tempted to go back to old habits but then i look at my arms & how smooth & different they look. they don’t have scars, scratches or cuts & how i tried so hard to hid them. i don’t wanna hid anything anymore. there are times where i do want to grab something & just go for it but i don’t, i just cry & look for something to listen to or draw.
i’ve wanted to do this for a long time. people think i’m this super hyper, always smiley girl, who has no cares in the world. well sorry to tell you i’m not. i smile because it’s something i couldn’t do a 7 months ago, or at least like i meant it. i know there are a lot of people who have gone through way worse problems than i have & have had it way worse than me but hey i made it through so much, so can you. don’t let anyone call you names, make you think there is no hope for you, or make you feel like you don’t belong. sure you may feel like you don’t right now but trust me, you will when the right people come along. i can sit here & tell you that things do get better. you need to just look beyond the obstacles. you are a beautiful person & you don’t deserve to keep yourself in a constant cloud of darkness. you are better than that. you can beat this & i can help you if you need it. sometimes it helps to talk. & if any of you need to talk to someone, i will always be here for you, cause i know what it’s like. It’s not a crime to see the light, its not a crime to wear a smile (What Are You Scared Of? by Tonight Alive). that song is something i really like. Stay Strong <3
*to all those who judge people for self-harming. don’t. it just triggers people to keep going. don’t call them names. i know nobody likes to be categorized & known for something they don’t like. i’ve been called Emo plenty of times because of my self-harm issues by family, friends & people i’ve never met & honestly it hurts to know that people can sit there & think its some kind of joke. it’s not & it’s not a laughing matter. so next time you know someone self-harms, don’t you dare call them something. that will go on your conscious, for being ignorant.*